A woman was invited out for a night with the girls. She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3:00 a.m., the woman and her friends piled into a cab and headed for their respective homes. Just as the woman got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Realizing her husband would probably wake up, she quickly cuckooed another nine times to cover her tardiness.

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him midnight. He didn’t raise an eyebrow, but continued to read the newspaper. Then he said, “I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.”

When she asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, ‘Oh, crap,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.”

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new chief he had never been taught the old secrets to predicting weather. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

“Yes,” the man at the National Weather Service again replied. “It’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief went back to his people and told them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How do you know,” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices the little girl next door in a little red wagon.  The wagon has tiny ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter’s helmet.  The wagon is being pulled by her dog, Spot and her cat, Frank.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter says with admiration.

“Thanks,” says the little girl.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s private area.

“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, too, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replies, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. There was only one thing bothering me.

Her younger sister, my prospective sister-in-law was 20 years old, wore tight miniskirts and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a view of her underwear.   It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day the little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.”

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy you have passed our little test.  We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

One day there was an exceptionally long line of people who had died and were waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines; one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to the main gate.”

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

St. Peter said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, God created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

St. Peter turned to the one man and asked, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two little dolls were in the box. He almost burst with happiness.

“Sweetheart,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Jack woke up at home with a huge hangover after a night at a business function. He forced himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table, and, next to them, a single red rose.                  
                       
Jack sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean – so was the rest of the house. 
                         
He took the aspirins, cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and noticed a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you!”

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.      
           
Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?”      
                       
“Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” 
                                                         
“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me,” Jack asked.    
                          
His son replied, “Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, you crazy lady, I’m married!’”

One evening, a state trooper pulled a car over on the side of a highway. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, another car pulled in behind the patrol car. A man with a little too much spirits in him, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.The trooper saw him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, because there’s no way I can pass that test.”

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.  I know you’re about my age.  How do you feel?” 

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really?  Like a newborn baby?”

“Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the room, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her to ask what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room, and then he marched down the hallway to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

“What is the matter with you,” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Reid is 60 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant.”

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?"

Five cannibals are appointed as engineers at a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, you have free memberships to the healthclub downstairs and you are also welcome to complimentary meals in the cafeteria downstairs, but don’t trouble any of the other employees.”

The cannibals agree and enjoy working at the company. They work out at the health club when they have time, and they go to the cafeteria each day for lunch.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, “You’re all working very hard, and you are all doing a great job, but I have to ask you, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”

The cannibals disavow any knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss leaves however, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, “Which of you idiots ate the janitor?”

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, “You fool, for four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders and project managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asks for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is 3 o’clock in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
 
“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No. I did not. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside,” he replies.
His wife says, “Don’t you remember when we broke down about three months ago and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.”

Annoyed, but understanding, the man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello! Are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
 
“Yes, please,” comes the reply from the darkness.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.
 
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

An older gentleman drove his brand new convertible sports car out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left as he flew down the highway.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him. No problem,” thought the elderly man as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the driver’s side of the car, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man, looking very seriously at the trooper, said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” said the trooper.

Martin’s will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his widow turned to her oldest friend.

“Well, I’m sure Martin would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” the friend replied. She then lowered her voice and leaned in close, asking, “How much did this really cost?”

“Thirty-thousand,” said the widow.

“No!” the friend exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

The widow replied, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

The friend thought about it for a minute and said, “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?”

To which the widow replied, “Two and a half carats.”

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: OK, I give up. Where's the f---ing ship?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite.
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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• I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
• I will stop sending email to my roommate.
• I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
• When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
• I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear...I'm coming. Never mind.
• No more downloads from alt.binaries.
• I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...monthly, perhaps...
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
• I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
• When I hear, "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."